Singi Sherpa, the matchmaker

Mingyur: At what age did you start working as a mikten (matchmaker)?

Singi Sherpa: In the past, there was no mikten in our village. People had to find one on their own when they needed a bride for their son. Later, when committees were formed, they asked a few of us to become miktens. I started when I was 27 years old, and now I am 54. When people from the groom’s side ask us about the bride’s background, we don’t make a final decision ourselves. Instead, we suggest they find out about the bride’s family customs and traditions. That always makes the process easier. During the marriage ceremony, we have a custom called karma lojang, where we prepare babar(bread made from rice flour) and take it to the bride’s family. Some people say it’s complicated, and suggest doing the custom of la instead. La is when, on the same day as the wedding, karma lojang and tołjang are arranged, and two and a half kg of mar (ghee) are offered to the bride’s family. We also bring three pathi of rice, one ja barchung, and a packet of salt for karma lojang. This is a custom in the mountains. In lower areas, they still make babar, but as mikten, we need to know the local customs before we can proceed with the marriage process. We go from the groom’s side to the bride’s place and stand outside, singing silu. Then one mikten goes inside to call the groom, asking him to join the bride. The bride’s people sing back, saying they can’t let her go. In the end, when the groom’s side sings, offering shalgar (a wooden flask filled with local liquor) to bring the bride out, the bride finally comes out, and the groom’s side takes her to his place, singing and dancing. Traditionally, the brothers should be the mikten, but if they don’t know how to perform the role, we do it for them.

Q: Now that you’re a mikten, how did you start? Who was your teacher?

A: My teacher was Ang Dawa’s father, who is the same age as me. I don’t know where he learned it from. Being a lama’s son, he was familiar with the customs from an early age, but I didn’t know much about it. One day we had a conversation, and he suggested I learn about it because he couldn’t act as mikten for every wedding. He said that he couldn’t be mikten at his own son’s wedding, but I could be mikten there. After that, I started learning about mikten and the songs. He’s the one who taught me. You need talent and skill, but with practice, you become better at it.

Q: Do you know who his teacher was?

A: No, I don’t know. I don’t know who taught Ang Dawa’s father before him. He was my teacher.

Q: What qualities should one have to be a mikten?

A: In the past, there were many stories about it, but I’m not familiar with them. People used to ask, “Where are you going?” and you would reply, “I’m going to see the new bride.” I don’t know exactly how it was done in the past. Nowadays, the boy and the girl often know each other before the wedding, so we don’t have to arrange meetings anymore. A long time ago, the boy and the girl would meet for the first time during the ceremony, and the boy would pull the girl however he wanted and place yarka (a tika) on her. But nowadays, everything is different.

Q: How difficult is it to be a mikten?

A: It was much harder in the past. Marriages without permission were very difficult. They would even throw stones at us. I didn’t experience that as mikten, but I was once part of the groom’s side during a wedding, and we were almost hit with stones. It was a very difficult situation. In such cases, the groom takes the risk; he’s risking everything. Nowadays, it’s much easier. Now, it’s about following the rules, and the process is simple.

Q: Is a mikten always a man, or can a woman be one too?

A: I’ve never seen a woman act as mikten.

Q: Do you think it’s possible for a woman to become a mikten?

A: A woman could definitely be a mikten if she dares to do so. As for women’s rights, they should be allowed to do it; why should we be afraid of that? Women might not be as fluent in talking about the traditional customs, though. For example, the melam (the blessing for the bride and groom) part might be difficult for a woman to perform. But otherwise, women can do everything that men do in every area of life. Older women might struggle, but young women could definitely manage it.

Q: Are you invited to perform outside your village, or only in your native place? Which other villages have invited you?

A: Yes, we’ve been invited to other villages, though not very often. Recently, we went to a nearby village called Sathili. You must have heard of Kharchung, right? Well, there’s a village called Kharka, just below Kolama village. A bride was brought to Kharchung from Kharka. One of our villagers’ daughter married someone from another village. The bride’s side, maiti, told the groom’s side that they must come with silu singing, but they didn’t know how to sing silu. So, they contacted us and said they needed help. One of our brothers made a call to the groom’s side, explaining that they needed to pay us, and then we would come and sing the silu. There are two leaders in our group, goba, and they instructed us to go there for the silu. The bride’s family wasn’t familiar with it, so they asked us to follow a simple process according to the rules. In our culture, the dance shyabru cannot start until we’ve collected the khada (ceremonial silk scarves). The other side started dancing early, but we made it clear that the dance wouldn’t start until we finished our work. Afterward, we told them that we would sing one song, the groom’s side would sing one, and the bride’s side would sing one, and only after that would the dance begin. They agreed and followed the rules. When we’re successful mikten, we can even bring a bride from Kathmandu or Nagi, and they will follow our village’s customs.

Q: What are the most important steps for conducting a successful marriage?

A: There aren’t many complicated procedures. The key is mutual understanding between both families. If both parents understand each other, the process goes smoothly. As you know, we don’t have a culture of giving away large amounts, but those who have enough will certainly contribute.

Q: Not every marriage ceremony is successful. Sometimes, marriages don’t work out. Have you ever experienced an unsuccessful marriage ceremony?

A: Yes, if the bride’s family is unhappy or dissatisfied, then it’s considered unsuccessful.

Q: What could lead to dissatisfaction?

A: Dissatisfaction usually arises when we fail to meet their expectations. For example, we need to have sumden (a financial contribution) to distribute among the bride’s relatives, especially to all the maitis (bride’s family). Once the maitis sit down, the mikten stands and explains the sumden distribution according to our customs. If the maiti feels there isn’t enough sumden, they might complain for up to a week, and sometimes we’ll be expected to offer more. Giving sumden without explanation can lead to problems, but if we explain it according to our customs, they are usually satisfied.

Q: Do you know any other miktens from the past? Can you name them?

A: There’s only one person I know who used to be a mikten, Meme, up in the hills. But he’s not very active anymore.

Q: Were there any particularly well-known miktens in the past?

A: I don’t know of anyone who was especially famous.

Q: What’s the difference between the role of mikten now and in the past?

A: There is a clear difference. In the past, once the bride was brought in, blessings were given to her and her family. After the bride’s side left, the mikten had no further role. There weren’t many khatas (ceremonial scarves). We used to have a tsampa khata just for the bride and groom, and none for the mikten. Nowadays, we are given khata, and we give them in return. The khatas are much more elaborate and can cost 200, 250, or even 500 NRs. The one given to the mikten is the same quality as the one given to the bride and groom, but it’s a different color and is very long, reaching from the neck to the feet. In the past, there was no khata for the mikten. Also, while there used to be just a seat for the mikten, today, we have a brumsi (carpet) to sit on. These are the main differences.

Q: You are keeping these customs alive, but what do you think about the next generation? Will they continue these traditions?

A: That’s a big concern we talk about often. We are here now, and we’ll keep the traditions going as long as we can, but the younger generation isn’t as interested in culture and customs. Some go to India, some become kheba (artists, especially thangka painters), but they aren’t really invested in our traditional ways. They don’t learn the dances like we did. In the past, we would often visit other villages, dance, and sing, but the younger ones only join if we ask them to. Otherwise, they don’t come to us to learn these customs.

Mingyur: Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

Mikten: Thank you!